Well, so much for taking a break from getting laid. After some time away from meaningless sexual escapades I've been venturing back into the confusing world of dating, one night stands, and emotional turmoil.
It hasn't been easy. I think for the first time in a long time I am absolutely prepared to give a piece of myself to another person. And maybe that's the reason I have found things so difficult this time. Suddenly, physical beauty, availability, and the willingness of a woman to pretty much do anything I want is no longer enough. Suddenly, I want HER. I want the person I see inside to be mine. Or maybe what I really want is for the person inside of me to be hers.
Either way, I honestly, truly, sincerely have no idea what I'm doing at the moment. One minute I fall hard for someone with a beautiful smile, only to retreat emotionally after making love. Half the time I am convinced the person I am caressing as they sleep will be unfaithful to me. The other half I spend trying to convince myself that what I really need is to get laid with just about anyone else.
What a mess.
The truth is that after years of doing my best to avoid being in a truly serious relationship I've come to realize that I am profoundly alone. And not in the I'm-at-home-on-a-Friday-night-and-noone-wants-anything-to-do-with-me-sort of loneliness. No. It's more of an existential loneliness, one that constantly laments not being able to share the essence of a new-found life with another like-minded soul.
Maybe this is just part of the transition. Maybe I'm just feeling my way through a dark room for a bit...until I find the light switch.
I hope so. Wish me luck.
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